My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
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My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
normalize having existential bread
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.