My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
You Might Also Like
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.