@JasonLastname: How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend's dad for the first time?
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@ThePawfessor: eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
@Tharin_P: Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress. They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that's a side issue.
@daemonic3: [shark tank] "Hi, what's your product idea?" Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I'm here to see the tank of sh-... I've made a mistake
@EndhooS: Wife's lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce? My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked...