How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
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My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?