I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?