How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Cause of death: Zumba
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”