@TheTweetOfGod: How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a cab?
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@batkaren: COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend ME: Jen C: Jen sounds nice M: Wh-what? C: Is Jen single? M: Uh… C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
@RobElliottComic: I don't mean to sound like a tough guy but I've been in New York City for almost two hours and I've only cried like 31 times...
@1BigMick: When I drop my son off at school I do one arm pushups at the entrance to let the other dads know that's what's up. But they're all at work.
@man_spach: My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they're like, sir that's just irritable bowel syndrome.