[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
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Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
this came to me in a vision
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.