It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
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Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Stop being racist to kettles.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Every haunted house movie:
seems like a niche market
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.