How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
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(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.