How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
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what?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.