@thelaurenobrien: How many times did people question the honesty of Shakira's hips before she finally decided to defend them in a song?
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@Elizasoul80: [alien taking notes] Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never
@Bearslietoo: Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.