Meow
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My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.