@theshamingofjay: How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.
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@_b1p0larbear: I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on. Then I dropped it onto her nose. She's awake now.
@UnFitz: A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle. Did I just say that out loud?
@davidkenny100: It's impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye. So this is your uncle, you live with him now.
@myonlymizztake: If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.