How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Not today, today.
Not today.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?