How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
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[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Ah..makes sense now
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!