How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
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I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.