“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
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Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*