Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?