Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
You Might Also Like
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Isn’t
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
HELP 😭
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops