@BonaFideIntent: How much cocaine is 2 much? Do u think security will view me ridding the elevator from the 1st to 2nd floor for the past 3hrs suspicious??
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@JermHimselfish: I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they've obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.
@MarfSalvador: [My band playing on stage] New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing? New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died