I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
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{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.