M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….