ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
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Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral