How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.