I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
All. The. Damn. Time.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.