I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
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Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Tell the colonel to bring it
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
LMAO.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are