10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
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My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I thought this was funny lol
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
79.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*