How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
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Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece