How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
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You are not alone 💚
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs