How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
12. I think about this all the damn time
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.