How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
waiting for halloween be like:
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭