How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
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Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My wife and I don鈥檛 often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I鈥檓 glad it鈥檚 for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent鈥檚 shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
When she鈥檚 rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what鈥檚 for dinner.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Given the American diet, don鈥檛 you think we鈥檇 have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 馃槏
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M鈥檚.
Me: I can鈥檛 eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it鈥檚 too dark to separate them by color.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I鈥檓 walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that鈥檚 how u save time. ILYFYB (i鈥檓 leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacr茅 bleu.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels