“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Smooooooth
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
huge if true: the moon
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.