“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
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Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
put ‘er there pardner!
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace