How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
May never get over this
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Spider-cat: No One Home
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.