How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
You Might Also Like
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.