“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.