How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
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I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
A leaf blower, but for people.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*