How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
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Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.