How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
😂😂
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.