How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.