How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
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protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
You are not alone 💚
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Pickled cat.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now