How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
You Might Also Like
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
“no gods no masters” = leo
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.