How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
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I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…