“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
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Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
fired
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”