Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
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Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
😏😏😏
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
wow he looks just like him
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next