“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
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It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
The Others (2001)
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”