“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
You Might Also Like
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
These work great until they don’t.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman