How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
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If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
This a good idea
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn