@LackOfShame: How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
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@JamieGreenlees: My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park :(
@Ristolable: [At supermarket] "Excuse me do you work here?" WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don't have a job
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called? Me: Gelt. Coworker: Guilt? Me: No, Jews get that all year round.