How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
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[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Peace was never an option
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.