How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
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HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!