I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
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When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile