“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
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*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor