“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
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I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.